Ode to Cody Joe

First, let me explain the title: Our summer intern (Cody) recently left to go back to college. I imagined what advice I would give this kid, or any kid, heading out into the world. What advice would I give to my own kids when they were ready to leave?

So, with that in mind, allow me to present “Anthony’s Advice to the college-aged kid (Geek edition)”:

1. Be patient: Every kid thinks that they have to experience everything RIGHT NOW. For instance, they have to get married today, they have to get a career today, they have to do everything TODAY. Instead, enjoy being a kid today – the rest of that crap will come soon enough.

2. Get your ass in shape: As a geek, you will probably think that being in shape is a waste of time – you have a “mind” after all. But, the truth is, the better you are physically, the better your brain will perform. Also, no matter how ugly your face is, having a good body will make up for most of it (you’ve seen Arnold Schwarzenegger, yes?) You don’t have to be a body builder, just put on some muscle for chrissakes. This will garner dividends beyond mere physical fitness.

3. Take care of your appearance: You don’t have to be Tommy Hilfiger, but pay attention to what the styles of the day are, and force yourself to emulate them (within reason). Also, get a decent haircut, take a shower, get lasik surgery (or contacts), and shave that sad facial hair that makes you look smart (so you think). This, along with tip 2, might actually make you somewhat attractive. Being attractive is, sadly, critical to your future success, regardless of your career. If you think it isn’t, do the math.

4. Make friends with people outside your normal crowd: You might think that the football players are a bunch of Neanderthals who want nothing more than to play ball and beat up geeks. Ok, you’re right. But, there are bound to be a couple jock-types that find your particular brand of intelligence interesting enough to get to know you. These are the guys that can help you with tips 2 and 3, while you help them with the jock edition of this advice.

5. Fight your nerdish tendencies: I’m not saying “don’t be nerdy/geeky”. I’m saying keep it within reason, and try to avoid being super-geek in the wrong environments. For instance, playing D&D in your dorm room with a bunch of your friends is cool. Playing D&D in the cafeteria during lunch hour is not cool.

6. Go outside: Having a pale, sickly pallor is perfectly natural for most geeks. It shows the world that you are proud of your geek ancestry and upbringing. However, this won’t help you anywhere but at the geek Olympics or on Jeopardy. Also, a little fresh air opens the mind and invigorates the body. Try it, you’ll see.

7. Talk to girls: Ever since Bill Gates, girls have come to realize that smart geeky guys are likely to become smart geeky successful men with a lot of disposable income. They are ripe for the pickin’! The trick, however, is to NOT be creepy. Let the girl do most of the talking (there's a tough trick, eh?). A woman wants nothing more than to hear the sound of her own voice. Jocks understand this intuitively which is one of the reasons they get laid. Also, girls already assume you’re smart – if you are constantly reminding them how smart you are, there’s a good chance they’ll move on to less irritating geeks. People of average intelligence don’t want to be reminded that they’re of average intelligence.

8. Moderate your genius: Ok, this one is especially difficult, even for me. Apparently, and I find this really difficult to believe, most people aren’t impressed with how smart you are. They are not awed by the depths of your mind, nor your ability to perform complicated math in your head. Also, they DON’T want to be corrected even if they’re painfully, ridiculously wrong! They won’t appreciate your help if you try to show them when they’re making a mistake. The ONLY time that a non-geek will appreciate your help is when they ask you for it specifically. So, basically, fight your geek tendencies and try to be a little self-deprecating. It will go a long way!

9. Learn to defend yourself: Sooner or later, you’re going to be in a position where some jock-type is going to try to use you to show how cool he is by smacking you around a little. I suggest mixed martial arts (UFC-style). Karate or Kung Fu sounds cool, but it’s pretty much useless in real life. I’d much rather fight a karate kid than somebody who knows how to really scrap. If you can’t find someone or someplace to teach you UFC-style fighting, I’d suggest learning to box or wrestle. These are the things that will keep you from becoming a human punching bag.

10. Take risks: I can't stress this enough. It sounds foolish, but you have to prove to yourself that you can survive risky situations. It builds confidence. Granted, the risk vs. reward assessment will tell you NOT to take pointless risks, but sometimes you have to go against the stats. Every now and again you will fail (maybe even painfully), but that will also teach you how to deal with failure. You just have to ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" As long as there isn't a good chance that you will die or become permanently disabled, I say take the risk. If you always take the safe route, you will just end up becoming an easily frightened, scared little man. You and your cats will be very happy together.

I’d like to add more, but these are probably the most important ones (in my “humble” opinion). Take this advice or don’t, naturally it’s up to you. But, having lived the geek life even back before being a geek was cool, I fancy myself something of an authority on the matter. If you think you know better, you’re wrong. ;-)

Now, go out there and take a risk by buying my house!