Christmas, sex ed, and all that jazz...

Happy Chanukah from Sidney,

First of all, how can Hanukkah and Chanukah be the same thing?! Is it like Autumn and Fall, or is it more insidious??? Who knows?

Anyway, Happy Christmas to everybody out there good enough to read this silliness.

The other day I decided to see if the boys were interested in learning about human reproduction. I'm not a fan of speaking euphemistically, and I'm not afraid of speaking frankly with my kids, so I don't really have any problem breaking down the birds and the bees. I even asked Suzanne if she wanted to be involved, but she felt a little uncomfortable so I left her out of it.

If you've ever been my child, you'll already know that my teaching method is pretty technical. I don't make up names for things and I don't shy away from anything, I lay it all out there for the world to see. I also like to use a lot of illustrations. However, ever since the advent of the interweb, I don't really need to rely on my sketchy artistic ability. Sketchy... get it?

So, wielding pencil and paper, I launched into my spiel. I broke down the mechanics in excruciatingly technical detail, and used my little pictionary doodles to help me get some of the more abstract concepts across.

I have to remind myself to refrain from going into too much detail as I understand I often lose my audience in the minutiae - especially a 9 year old audience.

However, the boys were both quick to catch on and even asked some really good questions. For instance, when I was talking about the differences between fraternal and identical twins, Chase suggested that, since there were different sperm and eggs involved, the twins could be male-female. I think the only concept that they had difficulty with at all was cell division (mitosis vs meiosis). Granted, there are probably even some adults who would have difficulty contrasting the difference.

By the end of the afternoon, I was satisfied that they were both comfortably knowledgeable on the topic. Since then, they've asked me a couple of questions for clarification, but otherwise almost nothing.

I like to demystify stuff like this. As I told them, if it weren't for sex, nobody would be alive on the planet. It shouldn't be something to feel embarrassed about.

Now, obviously I didn't go into great detail about the lovemaking process. I didn't show them any naked pictures of women and/or men, either engaged or otherwise. I explained that it was something that people enjoyed doing and it was only seldom used for procreation. When they're a little older, we can talk about that, but for now it's enough to know how it works, if not the factors behind its motivation.

Anyway, enough of that.

We close on the house on Wednesday. You might remember from an earlier post that I finally gave up and basically just dumped the house. On paper, we're supposed to make $5k, but I think we'll probably just about break even after closing costs, etc. I'm really disappointed that it had to come to this, but with the market being what it is, this is probably for the best.

My advice to anyone relocating and considering two mortgages - don't. Just dump the sucker and move on. Even if you lose a few grand, it's better than the roller coaster of emotions you'll endure. I say, dump it and forget it!

I guess that's about it. Now I gotta go downstairs and start assembling crap. Thank allah for family and friends - the boys are going to make out pretty well despite our current financial unhappiness. In fact, one of Suzanne's best friends sent a really nice activity table (ping pong, bumper pool, foosball, etc.) - that's what I'm going down to assemble now. It looks like it will be a lot of fun - heck, I might even let the boys play with it!

If you got a girlfriend, kiss her for me... Use tongue, that's what I would do. If you're married - well, you have my sympathies. ;-)

Shalom. Oh, and thanks a lot for not buying my house. I'll remember this if you ever sell your house! Cheers.

Happy Birthday!

Holy Hangover, Batman.

Today is my rotten kid's 21st birthday! Unfortunately, being poor, I'm unable to get her something really nice for this most auspicious occasion. Therefore, I thought I'd make it up to her by featuring her in this most auspicious posting.

Actually, I've told everybody for whom I normally buy gifts that this year's Christmas is going to begin in March (bonus time!). I hate the thought of coming up with something cheap and crappy just to meet an artificial deadline. Deadlines are for bedwetting momma's boys, not for superstars like myself.

So, let me just say Happy Birthday, Steph! I love you and I hope you have a great birthday despite the fact that your hero lives 2,000 miles away... ;-)

Love,

DaD

P.S. Today is also Bart Simpson's birthday!! What a crazy coinky-dink!

Politics aside...

Disappointment from Sidney,

Well, it was a glorious run, but it looks like I'm finally going to have to give up after all. Yes, I'm talking about the house. For nearly a year, I've begged, pleaded, demanded and cajoled you people to buy my house, but did you?? No. Am I disappointed? You betcha. Do I sometimes ask questions just to answer them myself? Guilty!

I hate giving up on that house, but what with Winter coming, and the crops still needing to be harvested, and with the situation in Iraq, I felt it was time to do my part for America.

After doing the final tally, it looks like we'll end up having lost $10k when all is said and done. Am I happy with losing $10k? No. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to start that crap again.

I guess, at the end of the day, $10k isn't all that bad. What kills me is that, had I simply made the call when we first moved out, I would have been up $5k instead. So, really I feel like I've lost $15k. Not to mention the huge amount of stress and worry that Suzanne and I had to deal with.

Why didn't I make that call last January? Simple answer: Greed. We were convinced that we were going to make $30k on the house (go back to my earliest blogs to witness my foolish optimism). All we needed, literally, was just an offer on the house and the relocation people would have cut us a check. Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

So, at the end of the day, I only have to make December and January's mortgage payments and I will be done with the house. I have NO DOUBT that the sucker will sell three days later. Mark my prophetic words here, kind reader.

Oh, and Chase's birthday was the other day. The wife rented the local indoor pool ($50) and we had about a dozen 9 year old boys going crazy for two hours. He had a lot of fun and made out pretty well as far as presents, so it was pretty cool.

Chris is still crazy, Suzanne is still chubby, and I'm still just as fantastic as ever. I guess that's it for now.

Oh, and, uh, thanks for nothing for NOT buying my house!!