Hilarious Dilbert Creator blog entry!

(I copied this hilarious post from Scott Adams' blog. Caution - this might make you pee a little bit...)

"Last week, my in-laws were in town. While they were out visiting some other relatives, I took my turn watching their dog, Mollie. At this point, I should pause and mention that I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. And in those days, in the country, when the dog felt nature’s call, we’d simply let the dog out, and it would use any part of our 2.5 acres as its toilet. Later, if you wanted to throw a ball around, you just kicked the (usually) frozen logettes to the side to clear a path. In those simple times, you weren’t playing a sport unless someone ended up covered in dog feces. It was just part of the game.
These days, things are quite different. Today, if you go to school covered in dog feces, there’s a stigma. And of course there’s the leash law. But nothing takes the joy out of a walk in the fresh air quite like being required to carry a plastic purse full of dog poop.
Back to my story, I took Mollie for a walk, thinking I understood how this process worked. The leash was no mystery. It had a cool spring action with a pistol grip. I liked that part. And I grabbed an official poop bag on the way out of the house. I was ready for anything.
Within a minute, Mollie laid down a steamer. I think she had been eating the cat food, because it wasn’t the firm little log I was expecting. But I soldiered on, turning the bag inside out like a glove, and grabbing the warm pile that melted in my hand. It wasn’t pleasant in the usual sense of the word, but I experienced some satisfaction in a job well done. I tied the bag into a tidy little package and intended to head home.
That’s when I noticed Mollie had just begun to poop. I don’t know if she was trying to spell “HELP” in case a rescue plane flew over, or what, but by now she was in full production. Step, squat, step, squat.
I looked at my tidy little bag, now sealed, and realized I was screwed. I knew the neighbors would be looking, or feared they might. I couldn’t leave this Katrina-sized disaster and get another bag lest someone think, incorrectly, that I had abandoned my doody. So I decided to see if I could untie the pooper bag and have another go at the new deposits. This plan did not work as smoothly as I had hoped.
Do you know what is NOT effective for picking up warm piles of poop? If you guessed “other warm piles of poop,” you might have been in this situation yourself. It was like trying to pick up mashed potatoes with a catcher’s mitt. And I was hurrying, so needless to say, back at the house I needed the Karen Silkwood treatment to feel clean again.
Later, when my in-laws returned, I told the story. Larry, a laid-back gentleman from Arkansas, turned to his wife Cheryl and drawled “Mollie double-bagged him.” Let me tell you, the only thing that could have made my experience worse was finding out my in-laws have a name for it."

For more of The Dilbert Blog:

http://www.dilbertblog.typepad.com/

Hah! The fix is IN! (and AI spoiler alert)

I knew it! I just watched the last episode of Top Chef Season 5. I've been surprised from time to time by what the judges say and who ultimately gets kicked off the show. After last night's episode, I finally have some proof of the conspiracy I suspected all along. Yessiree, the fix is in, but good...

Check out this bit of small print that they flashed up on the screen just as the episode was ending:

"Winning and elimination decisions were made by the judges in consultation with the producers. Some elimination decisions were discussed with Bravo."

Clearly, I wasn't the only person seeing a connection between decision-making and ratings. This was obviously written by lawyers trying to cover the asses of the Top Chef producers and the network.

Boo, I say, and again Boo!

Ok, now on to AI...

First impressions: This was no well-choreographed routine from SYTYCD. In fact, several people on stage appeared to be suffering from a serious, and itchy, skin condition. This show is without doubt NOT a dancing competition.

One thing that made me chuckle early on was Tattooed-Girl pushing Mischavon out of the way so that she and Adam could have a little more camera exposure.

Oh, and why oh why was Jesse vamping it up so hard? Somebody needs to remind that poor girl that she's not hot. While they're at it, maybe the could suggest to Jeanine that she dig a little deeper into her wardrobe...

Fashion aside, how did the rest of the night go? Not particularly surprisingly, Allison Red-Hair made the early cut. She's definitely not my favorite by any stretch, but she can certainly sing.

Back to fashion for one second: She needs to wear a slightly larger dress size, or drop about 20 Ell Bees. She'd better start stocking up on "Spanks", that's all I can say.

Next group had Kris and Tattoed-Girl up against each other. Apparently, America agreed with me that the kid did a pretty good job on "man in the mirror" after all. He just needs a little more confidence, and some really good song choices, and he might actually have a chance.

By the way, I was glad to see my girl Brooke back on stage and behind the piano. Cute as ever and not nearly as nervous as when she was on the show. Sadly, and I mean that sincerely, I hated her song. It just seemed really, really boring. She should be doing fun, uplifting, make-ya-smile songs. Ah, c'est la vie.

Finally, and again not particularly surprisingly, they paired Adam "I love Musical Theater" with Normal "Jennifer Hudson better watch out" Gentle. For one giddy second I really thought he might make it in. But, honestly, the better singer made it, which has me hopeful for this season.

At the end of Adam's song, Chase looked up and said, "Dad, that was really... really... gay." I nearly peed myself. He's a chip off the old block alrighty.

Next week looks pretty good. I wonder how the sweet blind guy will do... ;-)

But, another one of my favorites is due up: The Samoan giantess, Taylor Something-or-other. She's my new Stevie Wright.

Also up next week are Lil Rounds, Nathanial Uber-Gay, and Arianna Blahblah. I'm thinking those four will all be in the top 12, once they figure out the wildcard spots.

I've been thinking about the wildcard spots. My guess is the judges get to choose the wildcards, and they'll do it in such a way that there will be an even number of guys and girls. Therefore, if another guy makes the third spot next week (to join the Oil Rig guy and Kris Allen), then all three wildcards will be chicks.

To be honest, I'm cool with that. I realize that things need to be balanced. And, who knows, maybe Norman Gentle and/or Tattoo-girl will still make the top 12. Possibly even Tatiana, especially if the producers are as involved as they seem to be in Top Chef (once more... Boo!).

See ya in the funny papers. Anthony out!

American Idol - 25 Feb 09

(I figured it was easier to just start using the date in my titles, as I'm beginning to run out of clever ways of mentioning American Idol stuff.)

So, I just watched the show. Two words: Pea Ewe. Not everybody sucked, but it wasn't great. Let me give a quick run-down of the performances:

1. Jasmine Murray. Super hot. "Love song". Yikes. 1 star (out of 5)
2. Matt Giraud. Piano guy. Coldplay tune? Yikes and double yikes. 0 stars! Yes, it was that bad. He basically imploded.
3. Jeanine Vailes. Wow (legs). "This Love". 2.5 stars. Only appeal is sex appeal.
4. Norman Gentle. Hilarious! Jennifer Hudson song. 3 stars. I'd vote for him...
5. Allison the Red. 16 years old. "Alone". 4 stars. Great voice, but she kind of looks like the guy who played "Rudy" and Samwise Gangi in Lord of the rings wearing a red wig. Not a pretty girl, but a lot of talent.
6. Kris Allen. David Archeletta's older brother. "Man in the Mirror". 3.5 stars. Good voice, good singer, but forgettable.
7. Megan. Tattooed-Arm-Girl. "Let your hair down"(?). 4 stars. Great, smoky voice, but kept doing that stupid twirly thing. Really distracting.
8. Matt. The Welder. "She loves me". 4 stars. Great voice, but should never, ever try to "dance" in public again. Judges didn't like his song choice, but I thought he did a perfect rendition.
9. Jesse. Kinda blah. "Bette Davis eyes". 3.5 stars. IMHO, her personal best performance. Judges didn't dig it as much as I did, and I don't really like this girl.
10. Kai Kalama. Good looking Hawaiian kid. Some old timey tune. 3 stars. Sang very well, but was kind of boring, mostly for his song choice.
11. Mischavon. Another blah. "Drops of Jupiter". 3.5 stars. Surprisingly good performance, but was it good enough??
12. Adam Lambert. Mr. Musical Theater. 3 stars. Paula wishes she was a guy so she could date him. I thought the song choice was terrible, considering the pitch of his voice, but the judges loved him to varying degrees.

Ok, that's pretty much it. I wasn't particularly impressed with anybody tonight. I thought the tattooed-arm girl and the welder were really good. Also, I really liked Kris Allen's interpretation of "Man in the mirror." I'd love to see Jeanine go through, just because she's super hot, but I can't see it.

So, if I had to guess who's going to make it through, I'd say: Tattoo-girl, the Welder, and Adam, the Musical Theater guy. But, if it was entirely up to me, I'd pick Normal Gentle over Adam. Allison Red-Hair, aka Rudy, and Jesse, aka La Blah, were close runners-up, even though I'm not a fan of either one.

Next week, Blind Melon finally makes an appearance. To be honest, he's the only one I can think of in the next group. And, sad as it is, I'll predict right now that he makes it through, regardless of his performance. Kind of like when that one-armed girl made it through on SYTYCD. She was ok, but nobody was about to vote out a one-armed dancing girl right away! ;-)

Speaking of SYTYCD, I just read that the new season doesn't begin until May 21st! That blows! I don't know how much longer I can hold on!! Oops, sorry, this post was supposed to be LESS gay than last night's post.

Um, nothing to see here... move along...

I love that man...

So, I just got finished watching the tail-end of the Presidential address. The most interesting thing about it wasn't anything that was said, or the ridiculous number of standing ovations he received, or even all of the feel-good stories about hard-working Americans, etc.

What got me most was the adulation of his legion of fans. Men, women, children, black, white, other... EVERYBODY seemed to want to talk to him, or shake his hand or get his autograph. Anything, just to connect with him in the slightest.

I saw a grown man actually kiss him on the cheek in reverence. He was quite literally mobbed trying to leave the senate floor (I presumed it was the senate, anyway). He must have signed 100 autographs.

And I ate it up with a spoon! I would have been exactly the same way. I am so proud of this country right now I could burst. I really didn't think the American people had it in them. I really expected that, somehow, John McCain was going to pull it out at the end.

So, now I'm basking in the sunshine that is Barak Obama. Just watching and listening to him speak, and seeing the adoration of the crowd, especially when compared to Curious George, was enough to make me feel a little bit better about life in general.

So, yes, I admit I have a ridiculous man-crush on the president. I'm not ashamed in the least. I've said it from the beginning, and I'll repeat it today: Barak Obama will go down as quite possibly the greatest president America has ever had. I certainly wouldn't want to be the person following him (Sorry, Hillary 2016).

Tomorrow, American Idol and Top Chef. (I promise to be slightly less gay.)

Oh, and before you go all the way to Sidney to buy my house, don't bother... We've got a renter lined up. We're going to end up eating about 300 or 400 bucks a month, but that's better than the $1450 worth of turd sandwich we were going to have to swallow every 30 days if the house would have stayed empty. Who knows, this guy could end up loving it and buy the sucker next year. Then, I'll be rich! Hah!

AI and Top Chef - spoiler alert!

First off - Danny, Alexis and... the oil rig guy??? Talk about a shocker - Ok, not so much the first two, but the oil rig guy?!

I don't know why the producers of AI love to torment the sad, desperate, and in this case, certifiably crazy. Why oh why would you put Tatiana up against Danny, knowing Danny was going to win, but also knowing that Tatiana would still get her hopes up to the point of nearly passing out?? And then, drag it out with a commercial break??? WTF?! These people are cruel and sick, I tell ya. They could have put her anywhere in the line-up, but they purposely raked her over the coals for the ratings.

I'm not the world's most sensitive guy, Lola, but even I think that was pretty heartless.

I'm really sick of all the drama that they drag out on these decision nights. It should be a 20 or 30 minute show, with maybe a guest singer, and then straight on to the results. The other bullshit is just so much wasted airtime... especially when they ask Paula her opinion about something. In a word - Yikes.

Now, onto Top Chef. I started watching TC when I moved back here in December. I'd never watched any of the previous seasons because it just didn't seem that interesting. Well, now I'm hooked, so I'll probably go back and watch all the earlier seasons. It's sad, really.

Anyway, I just watched tonight's episode. The gist of it was that the two top-runners for most of the season were in the bottom two, so one had to go. The one guy was talking about his sick mother, and how much he wanted to be in the competition. The other guy - let's call him Dick - actually said to the judges, "Hey, I'm only 36 years old... if this doesn't work out, I'll just move on to something else." They'd commented several times throughout the season that he was pretty cocky, and he really showed his ass tonight.

Well, shocker alert, he didn't get booted - the fun-loving, genial, and otherwise non-offensive Italian guy got the boot instead. "Dick" somehow survived.

My problem isn't that he didn't get eliminated - my problem is that I'm sure the producers decided he should go on because they figured he'd be better for the ratings.

Am I saying it's fixed? Yep. Fixed like our little, female Chihuahua, Gidget, that we had when I was a kid. (Yikes, how's that for a disturbing simile??)

I'm really disappointed in Top Chef. I'm going to go online and see if I'm the only one thinking it was fixed, but I bet I'm not. In fact, the trailer for next week's finale shows "Dick" being a dick and fighting with the sweet and lovable Hosea.

Ah well, that's what sells tickets, I suppose. Even so, I'm a fan, so I'll continue to watch. I just want you to know how disgusted I am with myself.

Stay tuned for another exciting posting next week after AI. And, yes, I'm aware that the majority of my life revolves around reality shows. Maybe you should take pity on me and go buy my house... :-)

Another dose of Anthony - part deux

First of all, Amazon.com didn't completely disappoint me today, but neither did they make me jump up and down. As it turns out, when I called the OTHER number today, they had no idear what I was talking about. So they gave me a number to call... Yep, you guessed it - customer service!

I was once again greeted by a well spoken Indian person (presumably), who eventually agreed that, yes a mistake had been made by the promotional code people (not to be confused with the people I'd called earlier in the day) and that he should be able to sort everything out. The catch (yes, I know you're waiting for the catch): It won't go into effect for 30 days.

Therefore, it's entirely likely that I will see yet another $42 interest fee charged against my account before this whole business is truly sorted. So, I'm gearing up for a a third, hopefully last, call to amazon.com in about 2 weeks time.

Now to AI (American Idol for you non-idol fans): My early pick, Stevie Wright, went down in flames like the Hindenburg. She was so bad that I was actually grimacing during her performance. So, I was pretty devastated by that. BUT, despite my disappointment, no performance was as bad as poor, sad, Casey Carlson! Holy god did she stink it up!! Whewee.

I haven't seen a performance that bad since Rosanne sang the national anthem back in the late 90's. She sang something by The Police (every little thing she does is magic) that is nearly impossible to sing, unless you only have one name and that name is Sting. But the worst part was that she started off as a gorgeous, beautiful, sexy girl - by the end of the song, I literally couldn't even look at her. It was absolutely horrible... I'm still shaking.

I figure that Danny Gokey (or Robert Downey Jr. as I like to call him), Alexis Grace, and *gasp* Tatiana were the best singers of the night. However, Tatiana might just have blown her wad with the crazy earlier in the competition, so she probably won't make the cut. I'm thinking that Jackie will probably edge her out. Everybody else? CYA! Maybe the Chicken McNugget guy gets a wild-card spot, but that would be wishful thinking (on his part, not mine).

I'm hoping they announce who made it through tonight before tomorrow night's show. And I'm REALLY hoping that they quit with the after-song, family group hug and interview bullshit. I just fast forward through that crap.

I will be sad to see little Stevie Wright get the boot, but there's absolutely no way she's going to make it through. I'm more likely to win the bronze medal in female gymnastics before she makes the top 12 after that abysmal performance. (Shout out to Lewis Black).

I'll post again tomorrow night for you AI fans who just can't wait for another loving spoonful of Anthony-ness.

But, before you indulge yourself yet again, don't forget to go out there and buy my house!

Another dose of Anthony

Ok, so I've been busy...

I just got off the phone with Amazon.com. I just happened to be looking at my account online (for my new 52" super-hi-def, 120mhz LCD TV), when I noticed that the balance didn't seem right. Being half rain-man, I recognized that the amount I'd sent in on the first should have brought the total down to approximately $2100, but there was a balance of around $2200 instead. This "puzzled" me - by puzzled, of course it pissed me the fuck off because I'm positive that I haven't been late on any of my payments... if anything, I've been careful to be extra early so as to avoid having to pay the finance charges and/or late fees.

I dug a little deeper and sure enough, I'd racked up roughly $90 in "other" fees. Since I pay about $100 a month, and they're taking roughly $45 a month in fees, I was getting buggered pretty damn good.

Naturally, a call to the "customer service" people was in order. You'll notice I quoted customer service - that's sarcasm, Lois.

So, I call the 866 number and eventually get around to being directed to one of their live-human techs. When I heard his Indian accent, I nearly gave up right there presuming that I was about to spend a couple of hours in mind-splitting frustration. Don't get me wrong, I like Indian people, for the most part, I just didn't want to have to play "guess which language I'm murdering".

Surprise - the guy spoke perfectly well, and immediately diagnosed the problem: They never applied the promotional rate of zero percent interest if paid within 24 months. A simple mistake, he assured me, and easily remedied by dialing another number which he immediately proffered. He told me they'd be open at 9am tomorrow and would be able to apply the rate and credit my account appropriately.

Stunned almost to speechlessness, I thanked him and hung up. I was fully prepared to don the armor of righteousness and attack the dragon of corporate red tape. (The simile well is in great shape tonight!) Alas, I'm nearly disappointed. I can't remember going from red hot rage to cautious optimism in such a short period of time.

So, here's hoping that tomorrow's conversation with the promotional rate people goes as well. If so, I will be sure to sing their praises via a new post tomorrow night. I'm already desperately in love with my television, and pleased with every other aspect of the purchase transaction. I really hope that this is as easily remedied as I've been led to believe.

On another note, Suzanne and Chris just left this morning for Sidrock. They were here since last Wednesday night. It was great having them here, but it really pointed out how small my one-bedroom apartment really is - four people and two large German Shepherds take up every bit of available space. Not to mention, one bathroom is stretched to its limits under these circumstances. I'm really hopeful that we can get into a two-bedroom by the time they're ready to come out for good.

Finally, things at work are going great. I'm able to keep busy most of the time, and the work is usually pretty interesting. I'm doing a lot more Windows stuff than I've done in the last ten years, which has turned out to be oddly entertaining.

Oh, and my favorite kid (until Chris gets a little older) just turned 21 last week. I believe she celebrated by staying in. ;-)

That's about all I got for now. Oh, except to say that my early pick for this season's American Idol is Stevie Wright (not to be confused with Steven Wright, albeit a fantastic singer in his own right). She's really young and doesn't really stand out, but I got a funny feeling about that kid.

And, if you get the chance, please, I'm begging you, buy my house!!