First, let me explain the retard bit.
It's Celebrity Week on Jeopardy which means that would-be retards, only relatively intelligent when compared to other celebrities, take time out of their busy, b-list schedules to invade one of my favorite TV shows - all the while pandering to the lowest common denominator.
The reason I hate this week more than Kids Week is because the kids are actually smarter than the general population. And because they don't do that bullshit charity business.
"Who are you playing for, Jim?"
"I'm playing for Dogs without Borders, Alex. It's a little known charity, but they do some really important stuff. Like, um, they walk the dogs. And, uh, feed them and stuff."
"That's great, Jim."
"Oh, and I'd like to say I've got a new movie coming out and everyone should go see it. I'm pretty sure it's called, 'Help, the aliens are coming, and I can't get up'. It's a period piece."
"Um, alrighty then..."
SNL is the only show that should ever do Jeopardy Celebrity Week.
Anyway, on to AI. Some really fantastic performances, and some (hopefully) forgettable performances... I"m looking at you, Anoop.
Here's the breakdown from my somewhat skewed perspective:
1. Lil Rounds: Great job - Awesome booty. She started the season right.
2. Blind Melon: Couldn't be more boring. Simon is finally getting tired of this whole business, thank god.
3. Robert Downy Jr: Fantastic start to finish. Top 3, guaranteed.
4. Michael Oil Rig guy: Yawnsville. Ugly family to boot.
5. Jasmine: "Ladies and gentlemen, the 40 year old teenager." What's wrong with this girl? She's young and beautiful - why is she so boring??
6. Kris Allen: Fun song, well performed. Guitar was kind iffy, but he pulled it off. I agree with Simon - he'd do better to not bring up the wife in every other sentence.
7. Allison: Great hair color and great song! She's got an outside chance if she keeps this up - AND, remembers to be super nice to her stylist. Losing 10 or 20 more LB's wouldn't hurt, either.
8. Noop Dog: Hey, that's a good idear - "Beat it!"
9. Jorge: Sounded a little desperate. Also boring.
10. Megan Tattoo: Somebody PLEASE give this woman some advice! Enough with the stupid dancing, twirling, whatever the hell it is you're doing up there. And, Rockin' Robin??? WTF?? Michael Jackson made about 50 really great tunes, and you chose that?! jesus christ, girl, use your head and pick a damn song that works.
11. Adam MT: Wow. The vocals were good, but the stage presence really sold that performance. I wasn't as over the moon as Paula (shocker), but his might have been the best performance of the night.
12. Matt Piano Guy: Really solid performance. Nothing earth shattering, but he absolutely nailed the vocal. He chose what had to have been the perfect song for his skills.
13. Alexis: Wow - but not in a good way. What the hell was up with those ginormous, clod-hopper shoes she had on? She looked like a 6 year old playing dress up in Mommy's clothes. And could you possibly categorize that as "dancing" - that weird, herky-jerky movement she kept making? A really screechy performance of one of my favorite MJ songs. Sad, really.
Overall, a good night of AI, save a couple notable exceptions. My predictions for double elimination tomorrow night are Anoop and Jasmine. As hot as she is, she's just too damn boring. As for Anoop, well, the less said, the better. He's not good looking, he's not cool, he's not hip, he's just a lot of not.
Grade for these two: FAIL!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
AI - A crap fest of biblical proportions.
"I am become death - destroyer of American Idol hopefuls."
The first was my early pick, poor little Stevie Wright. Complete and utter faceplant. Tonight, I had high hopes for Taylor the Giantess. Not a complete faceplant, but let's face it (no pun intended), she ain't gonna make the top 12. Not with people like Lil "Baby got back" Rounds in the mix.
On a side note, me and every black man in America was LOVING Lil Rounds tonight! Holy Booty for days, Batman! My kid was like, "Wow, it looks like she's wearing a fake butt." All I can say is bring it on! I'm still a little shaken by the whole experience...
Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyway Lil is GUARANTEED a spot in the top 12. The only question is, who's going with her out of this sad crowd? Let's break it down, shall we:
Von - He did a'ight, especially compared to the dismal performances of most of the rest of the bunch.
Taylor - *sniff* It's ok, Giantess, I'm sure it was just the glossy black leggings that did you in (what was that all about??)
Alex - um, uh, yeah. I don't know how to break this to you, Junior, but Elton John you ain't. Get back on your exercise wheel and leave the singing to the big boys. (Simon killed me with that hamster reference.)
Arriana - On the plus side, you could probably get a couple gigs singing at your local mortuary.
Ju'not - Probably going to win the guy side of the vote. Not a bad performance, especially compared to the rest of that rabble. It's easy to be the shiniest turd...
Kristin - Sadly, she was the best female tonight (I still can't stand her, though). Up until Lil came in and blew the doors off the competition, that is!
Nathanial Uber Gay as Meatloaf - Ok, there are so many jokes here, I'm kind of experiencing sensory overload. Suffice to say, your hairbands are likely to be the only reminders of you still in Hollywood by this time tomorrow night. (There's a money shot joke here someplace, I just can't see it yet... give me time, it'll come to me... tee hee)
Felicia - Looked great. Sang... not so great. Although, I was surprised the judges didn't slam her more - I sure would have. And, yes, the double-entendre was intentional.
Blind Melon - The problem with America watching you beat up a blind man is you're never likely to live it down. Therefore, Simon (as much as he might have wanted to) took it pretty easy on him. I thought he sang ok, but if he wasn't blind, we would have completely forgotten he was on the show by now. Tres Patronizing. I'm pretty sure the American people, secure in their anonymity, will not bother wasting a vote on this kid.
Kendall Beard - Couldn't be hotter... Couldn't be less likely to advance. Another country music maven?? Whatever.
Jorge the Puerto Riqueno - Um, what? First they tell him to lose the accent, then Simon says, no, keep the accent. WTF. Although, to be honest, it's all pretty academic - he isn't going any farther than the parking lot.
Lil "Bootylicious" Rounds - What more is there to say. LOTS! But, I'll spare you my particular brand of lasciviousness.
All in all, a pretty dreary performance by all, save a notable few. I really had my heart set on at least one good night. Alas, it wasn't to be.
On an unrelated note, I don't know how much more of Kara I can take. She adds exactly zero to the show. If anything, she makes the one part of the show I hate the most even more unbearable. What were the producers thinking? Is this like when they brought Oliver onto the Brady Bunch, or Lawrence Fishburne onto CSI? Just trying to pump a little life into a show that might have begun gasping its last few breaths? I mean, even Friends had to end sometime... maybe this is the last season or two of AI. Only time, and ratings, will tell.
So, if I have to call it, I'm going to say Lil (duh), Ju'not, and the next highest vote going to Kristin.
I'll tell ya what, the performances next week had better come bigger than this. The only question now is, will it be Lil, Danny, Allison or Alexis. Smart money's on Danny, just because his repertoire is likely to be larger - (at least, that's what Nathanial was overheard to say...) - or Lil, presuming that she can stick to as much Mary J. Blige as she can possibly get her hands on. The other two are dark horses at best - as likely to fade away early as make it to the final two.
What do you think?
The first was my early pick, poor little Stevie Wright. Complete and utter faceplant. Tonight, I had high hopes for Taylor the Giantess. Not a complete faceplant, but let's face it (no pun intended), she ain't gonna make the top 12. Not with people like Lil "Baby got back" Rounds in the mix.
On a side note, me and every black man in America was LOVING Lil Rounds tonight! Holy Booty for days, Batman! My kid was like, "Wow, it looks like she's wearing a fake butt." All I can say is bring it on! I'm still a little shaken by the whole experience...
Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyway Lil is GUARANTEED a spot in the top 12. The only question is, who's going with her out of this sad crowd? Let's break it down, shall we:
Von - He did a'ight, especially compared to the dismal performances of most of the rest of the bunch.
Taylor - *sniff* It's ok, Giantess, I'm sure it was just the glossy black leggings that did you in (what was that all about??)
Alex - um, uh, yeah. I don't know how to break this to you, Junior, but Elton John you ain't. Get back on your exercise wheel and leave the singing to the big boys. (Simon killed me with that hamster reference.)
Arriana - On the plus side, you could probably get a couple gigs singing at your local mortuary.
Ju'not - Probably going to win the guy side of the vote. Not a bad performance, especially compared to the rest of that rabble. It's easy to be the shiniest turd...
Kristin - Sadly, she was the best female tonight (I still can't stand her, though). Up until Lil came in and blew the doors off the competition, that is!
Nathanial Uber Gay as Meatloaf - Ok, there are so many jokes here, I'm kind of experiencing sensory overload. Suffice to say, your hairbands are likely to be the only reminders of you still in Hollywood by this time tomorrow night. (There's a money shot joke here someplace, I just can't see it yet... give me time, it'll come to me... tee hee)
Felicia - Looked great. Sang... not so great. Although, I was surprised the judges didn't slam her more - I sure would have. And, yes, the double-entendre was intentional.
Blind Melon - The problem with America watching you beat up a blind man is you're never likely to live it down. Therefore, Simon (as much as he might have wanted to) took it pretty easy on him. I thought he sang ok, but if he wasn't blind, we would have completely forgotten he was on the show by now. Tres Patronizing. I'm pretty sure the American people, secure in their anonymity, will not bother wasting a vote on this kid.
Kendall Beard - Couldn't be hotter... Couldn't be less likely to advance. Another country music maven?? Whatever.
Jorge the Puerto Riqueno - Um, what? First they tell him to lose the accent, then Simon says, no, keep the accent. WTF. Although, to be honest, it's all pretty academic - he isn't going any farther than the parking lot.
Lil "Bootylicious" Rounds - What more is there to say. LOTS! But, I'll spare you my particular brand of lasciviousness.
All in all, a pretty dreary performance by all, save a notable few. I really had my heart set on at least one good night. Alas, it wasn't to be.
On an unrelated note, I don't know how much more of Kara I can take. She adds exactly zero to the show. If anything, she makes the one part of the show I hate the most even more unbearable. What were the producers thinking? Is this like when they brought Oliver onto the Brady Bunch, or Lawrence Fishburne onto CSI? Just trying to pump a little life into a show that might have begun gasping its last few breaths? I mean, even Friends had to end sometime... maybe this is the last season or two of AI. Only time, and ratings, will tell.
So, if I have to call it, I'm going to say Lil (duh), Ju'not, and the next highest vote going to Kristin.
I'll tell ya what, the performances next week had better come bigger than this. The only question now is, will it be Lil, Danny, Allison or Alexis. Smart money's on Danny, just because his repertoire is likely to be larger - (at least, that's what Nathanial was overheard to say...) - or Lil, presuming that she can stick to as much Mary J. Blige as she can possibly get her hands on. The other two are dark horses at best - as likely to fade away early as make it to the final two.
What do you think?
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