AI - A crap fest of biblical proportions.

"I am become death - destroyer of American Idol hopefuls."

The first was my early pick, poor little Stevie Wright. Complete and utter faceplant. Tonight, I had high hopes for Taylor the Giantess. Not a complete faceplant, but let's face it (no pun intended), she ain't gonna make the top 12. Not with people like Lil "Baby got back" Rounds in the mix.

On a side note, me and every black man in America was LOVING Lil Rounds tonight! Holy Booty for days, Batman! My kid was like, "Wow, it looks like she's wearing a fake butt." All I can say is bring it on! I'm still a little shaken by the whole experience...

Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyway Lil is GUARANTEED a spot in the top 12. The only question is, who's going with her out of this sad crowd? Let's break it down, shall we:

Von - He did a'ight, especially compared to the dismal performances of most of the rest of the bunch.
Taylor - *sniff* It's ok, Giantess, I'm sure it was just the glossy black leggings that did you in (what was that all about??)
Alex - um, uh, yeah. I don't know how to break this to you, Junior, but Elton John you ain't. Get back on your exercise wheel and leave the singing to the big boys. (Simon killed me with that hamster reference.)
Arriana - On the plus side, you could probably get a couple gigs singing at your local mortuary.
Ju'not - Probably going to win the guy side of the vote. Not a bad performance, especially compared to the rest of that rabble. It's easy to be the shiniest turd...
Kristin - Sadly, she was the best female tonight (I still can't stand her, though). Up until Lil came in and blew the doors off the competition, that is!
Nathanial Uber Gay as Meatloaf - Ok, there are so many jokes here, I'm kind of experiencing sensory overload. Suffice to say, your hairbands are likely to be the only reminders of you still in Hollywood by this time tomorrow night. (There's a money shot joke here someplace, I just can't see it yet... give me time, it'll come to me... tee hee)
Felicia - Looked great. Sang... not so great. Although, I was surprised the judges didn't slam her more - I sure would have. And, yes, the double-entendre was intentional.
Blind Melon - The problem with America watching you beat up a blind man is you're never likely to live it down. Therefore, Simon (as much as he might have wanted to) took it pretty easy on him. I thought he sang ok, but if he wasn't blind, we would have completely forgotten he was on the show by now. Tres Patronizing. I'm pretty sure the American people, secure in their anonymity, will not bother wasting a vote on this kid.
Kendall Beard - Couldn't be hotter... Couldn't be less likely to advance. Another country music maven?? Whatever.
Jorge the Puerto Riqueno - Um, what? First they tell him to lose the accent, then Simon says, no, keep the accent. WTF. Although, to be honest, it's all pretty academic - he isn't going any farther than the parking lot.
Lil "Bootylicious" Rounds - What more is there to say. LOTS! But, I'll spare you my particular brand of lasciviousness.

All in all, a pretty dreary performance by all, save a notable few. I really had my heart set on at least one good night. Alas, it wasn't to be.

On an unrelated note, I don't know how much more of Kara I can take. She adds exactly zero to the show. If anything, she makes the one part of the show I hate the most even more unbearable. What were the producers thinking? Is this like when they brought Oliver onto the Brady Bunch, or Lawrence Fishburne onto CSI? Just trying to pump a little life into a show that might have begun gasping its last few breaths? I mean, even Friends had to end sometime... maybe this is the last season or two of AI. Only time, and ratings, will tell.

So, if I have to call it, I'm going to say Lil (duh), Ju'not, and the next highest vote going to Kristin.

I'll tell ya what, the performances next week had better come bigger than this. The only question now is, will it be Lil, Danny, Allison or Alexis. Smart money's on Danny, just because his repertoire is likely to be larger - (at least, that's what Nathanial was overheard to say...) - or Lil, presuming that she can stick to as much Mary J. Blige as she can possibly get her hands on. The other two are dark horses at best - as likely to fade away early as make it to the final two.

What do you think?